Confidence for ONE plz! [Dear, Old Ari]

I spent the weekend with my trio (Erri & Kris) && I must say it was MUCH needed. I missed them, more then words can express, so I won't try. I haven't really been out in a while, and I had all the fun in the world, yet so much crossed my mind.

Somewhere down the line, I LOST it. Does this make sense? I will say I lost my swag. I did. For real. We went to a house party on Friday, and because I haven't partied in such a long time, I felt out of my comfort zone. Don't get me wrong, because I had FUN. I just wasn't myself. Maybe this is because so much has taken place, and over the course of the past 3 months, I've been staying to myself. This in itself, has become a habit. I'm still extremely social, meaning I can adjust well, on any type of conversation, yet I lost my 'spark'.

I DO NOT know how to FLIRT anymore. LOL. this is funny, now seeing it typed out. Flirting, is healthy. I am not talking going home with anyone, or even exchanging numbers, nope not even close. I am talking conversations, that smooth so easily, that the rest of the room, thinks you're flirting. You know, your face lights up, lots of laughing, you just look 100% confident with yourself, with the conversation you're having, and the person on the receiving end. Yet, I don't feel that way anymore. So much has happened, that my self esteem is messed up. Not my self-esteem in the sense of, 'I don't think I'm beautiful inside and out' but self-esteem as a WHOLE.

I'm becoming a BETTER version of myself, yet I didn't intend on LOSING all of the OLD ME. The OLD ARI, walked as though she had the world on her shoulders. No matter the shape, she was confident with whatever she had on. I am NOT, my OLD size, so I can honestly say I am not used to my new shape. This curvy, video vixen body, that everyone likes, (whispers) I HATE. I question things, I've never questioned before, which is why I'm going so hard in the gym. I want a NEW look. Hair, body, mind, etc. I just want to become NEW all around. More confident, extremely fit, and I want to come to terms with my sexy side. I don't care what you say, but confidence has a lot to do with how sexy you feel. No, not being sexy for anyone, but being sexy FOR YOURSELF. Sometimes I feel sexy, but more often then NOT, I don't.

Note to all my readers, you MUST feel sexy. Single, or in a relationship, you feel sexy FOR YOU. When you do, it shows. You walk with your head held high, and your smile is wide. When you talk, it's conveyed to anyone on the receiving end of your conversation. People enjoy talking to confidence. Which is why, every morning, I wake up, and embrace myself in the mirror. I tell myself, with my crazy slept on hair, and morning breath, that I LOVE ME. It helps, so if you don't I urge you to try it!

I started this blog, to be known by more then my body; by more then my face, shit, by more then my ass but for my intellect. I can speak about a range of things, that covers more then fashion, music, sex, and television. I read A LOT, so I can discuss literature, politics, the injustices' taking place, that everyone likes to look over, and so much more.

If I had a quarter for every time I've gotten 'After reading your blog, I never would have thought you wrote so well.' or 'you don't come across like that' 'you're so smart, No offense, but I didn't think of you that way'. I've spent years, being the light skin girl with the fat ass, that it irritates me, when ANYONE describes me this way. This is NOT the whole me. I am so much more then that. And I am putting it out there, I HATE being described this way. I have a lot of friends, that STILL don't understand why I hate being described this way, because everyone wants what they don't have. Hey, even I do. But, would you want to be described this way? I'm so much more, and I hope by reading my blog, that you've gotten a chance to see that.

I Try To Channel You In Hopes That I Could Stare You Back
But Its Like Every Intersection We Just Missed Eachotha

Maybe I Blamed You For Everything That Was My Mistake
In Hindsight I Loved Your Rawness And I Loved Your Edge

But I Needed To Grow
And I Needed To Know
That There Were Somethings Inside Of Me That I Need To Show
So I Just Deaded You
Left You In All Black

But Damn Old [Ari]
Please Call Back

Dear Old Nicki. Pink Friday

I did blame myself for everything. I have done a lot of wrong ish, and I think in trying to become a better me, I completely deaded the old me. YOU should never completely disown yourself. Embrace you as a whole, change what needs to be changed, and improve what's already a positive factor of yourself. I MISS the old me. Well parts of old me.

I MISS my old swag.
My old, body.
My old, confidence.

BUT. I am resting all of the above in peace.

I want A BETTER SWAG.
A better BODY.
MUCH MORE CONFIDENCE.

I am taking what I loved about my old self, and improving it to the max, while totally revamping everything else about myself... I, don't think anyone is going to be prepared for the NEW AND IMPROVED ARI.

Just Remember: CONFIDENCE IS SEXY! EMBRACE YOURSELF!