I KNEW you were TROUBLE.

“I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men. I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism.” --Elizabeth Gilbert. Eat, Pray, Love

I make impulsive decisions, more often than not. I ignore all signs, and dive head first into relationships that I know will not lead me in places I'd want to be. Yet, when healthy relationships present themselves, I run. 'Don't like me, please don't' is the constant mental conversation I have with myself, when I'm seeing someone who can actually be something worth speaking about. I don't know what the fxck is wrong with me.

In my defense, you actually shouldn't like me. Not now anyway. Look past everything I'm telling you, and how good you'd think we'd be together. We won't, and even if we could, I wouldn't allow it. I'll make you fall in love with me, and leave before you even knew I came. I'll be your best friend, someone you can trust, want to call to tell the big news of the day, and still, slowly become distant. I'll have you wondering if something is wrong with you, when nothing is. I'll be everything you've wanted, because of how down to earth I am. Still, I'm telling you 'I aint shit'. I won't risk my heart for you, because the risk would actually be there. The possibility that we could actually be something, would overwhelm me too much. So instead, I'll make up a million excuses, as to why we can't see each other, why I haven't been returning your calls, and how busy I've been. No matter how busy I am, I make time for what I want.

I am a serial lover. Even when I'm not seeing someone, I'm seeing someone. Take that how you want, but it's the real deal. My inbox is never empty, my call log is never blank. I may not be going anywhere, and it somehow still feels like I am. I can't keep up anymore. I'm over it. I'm ready for my phone to not have text messages from anyone besides my family & close friends. I'm tired of stringing along people, knowing I don;t have any plans of taking 'us' to the next level. Truth is,half of y'all, aren't worth my time, nor anyone else's. No goals, no standards, no destination. I don't have time to just be sitting passenger side in a car that has no clue where it's going. All you've been is a waste of time. Boy, can I waste time. I'm queen of it. Y'all can shake your heads, but how many of you can actually write your faults down, for everyone to see? I'd rather waste time with someone I shouldn't, because its safe. It doesn't require for me to step out of my comfort zone. I know, I know, this isn't smart, and no matter how much I think it doesn't it steals my energy. I'm working on it.

I lack the mental discipline, I crave. All my thoughts, and all I want to do are getting the best of me. It's time to focus. I spoke to a friend of mine's, sister yesterday, I'm going to call her S. She told me about her experience with God. Mind you, S has never been the religious type. She was at a point in her life, when nothing was wrong, but she wasn't getting the fulfillment she needed. She tried her hardest to fill the void with everything she could think of, from alcohol, to porn, to sex, to texting. As she threw her self into these things, she felt emptier, and emptier. One night she sobbed hard, and loud, and said

"God, I don't know if you're there, but if you are, please keep working with me. Keep trying. I know I'm not ready, but don't give up on me."

A day or so passes, and S feels a spirit travel from her toes all the way to her head. It said, 'I'm here believe in me'. She had never experienced this before, & it happened to someone who wasn't even sure if she believed in God. All the sadness and weariness she felt, was replaced with a feeling of complete happiness.. She said it felt like he was showing her that this is what she could have, if she seeked him instead of all of the other things she had been trying to fill her void with.

I didn't admit it to her in full detail, but I am going through the same thing right now. Trying to fill this void with everything in the world. I keep praying that God will help me to seek him, and to show me that he's still here. As I get older, the things I use to fill this emptiness with, are making me even more upset. I don't want my happiness to be based off something else. Not alcohol, not sex, not friends, not a significant other. I want it to come from something deeper. I'n not sure if God is out there, I pray to him, even though I'm unsure if he hears me. I envy those whose faith is so strong, I crave that. I can only hope that he continues to work with me. I'm ready for my spirit to be cleansed. I'm taking it a day at a time, not going to beat myself up bout it. I pray he hears me, and is working on me... Lord knows I need it.

With Love,

-- A