The Relapse

"Rather than viewing a brief relapse back to inactivity as a failure, treat it as a challenge, & try and get back on track as soon as possible".-- Jimmy Conners

I'm not perfect, hell, not even close. I try & try to do better, to be better, but sometimes I come up short. I have this idea of who I want to be, but somehow I always second guess myself, and revert back to my old ways. I know that life is about falling down, and getting back up. If anyone else is out there, going through something similar, just know you're not alone. I stay up way too late, thinking about everything and nothing. Questioning myself, the world, my life, where its going, if its too late to be who I know I can be. We're all trying to figure out who we are, and what sets us aside from the rest. It's okay, to not be okay.

I recently lost my grandmother, and seeing her die in front of my eyes, made me think about my life. How many years has it been the same ongoing circle, and at what point was I going to actually do something about it. I've spent my life talking a good game, because I was blessed with a winning personality, and the gift of gab. I don't want to look back on my life, and shake my head in disappointment of all the 'potential' I had, but didn't put to use. I also don't want to keep trying to feel this void, with things that I know will never offer me complete satisfaction.

I want utter happiness, and passion in all that I do. I'm so tired of relapsing. I get close to becoming the person I know I can be, and get scared, so as usual I run. I tell myself that nothing bothers me, that I'm tough, that I've been through worse. And honestly I have. On the outside looking in, nothing is wrong, and truthfully nothing is wrong, and everything is wrong at the same time. This year is the year, I'm having the hardest time faking the funk. I want MORE, I NEED more. I'm just not sure what that more is. Bare with my guys, I'll get it together. I started this blog, because I wasn't sure where I was going, and I will continue to use it for those same purposes. God I've missed this. I hope you all can accept this as an apology, for my inconsistancy. An apology to all those who were rooting for my growth, that I let down. I haven't forgotten about you all. I promise. Here goes nothing! Free yourself from all the negative baggage, holding you back. I believe you can be who you want to be, if you believe in yourself enough. Free yourself, & forgive yourself. It's one of the hardest things, but no matter what you've done, or haven't done, its okay. You're exactly where you're supposed to be. Remember that.


With Love,

-- A