Where's the fun in [F O R E V E R] *

I am a walking talking contradiction. I question the existence of forever, every single day of my life. Truth is, as much as I'd like to believe forever is possible, I am a skeptic. I constantly observe everything, and everyone around me. If it rains more than usual, I'm doing research on the years it rained just as much, trying to put a theory behind something unexplainable. I want to find an answer for everything, whether there is one or not. I need there to be one.  I crave stability, which is why I pray that forever exists in someone's life. I've been through so many breakups; from friendships, relationships, flings, to watching divorce after divorce, and if I said it didn't taint my view on long lasting things I'd be lying.

So here's my dilemma, no matter how tainted my views are, I still want to believe that long lasting, meaningful relationships do exist. I'm trying my hardest this year to seek God, because I know that it is only through him, that my faith in things of this matter will be strengthened. I don't want to have doubt anymore, because it's preventing me from everything good. Most people deal with the lost of relationships by crying, mourning for months at a time, until they're finally over it. I've gotten so used to goodbye's, that I cry for a few days, and then I forget the person every existed in my life. Everything beautiful shared between us, no longer exists, because they're dead to me. I've learned that this isn't helping me. If anything, it is only making me less of the happy person I'm supposed to be.  All I'm looking for this year is clarity. I want to indulge in any and everything that makes my heart skip a beat. I want to be softened on the inside, and as my prayers become deeper and deeper, I hope the thought of  forever will stop haunting me. The thing is, I keep forgetting to enjoy the moments, and the experiences. Eventually death will fall upon us all, and if I keep stressing, and trying my hardest to ruin everything because my doubt in things lasting, I will miss out on all the memories.

I'm falling more and more in love with the world, and with people again.  My hunger for exploration, is growing vastly, and I want to feed it with things that will nurture my soul, and spirit. I think if we focused on forever, we'd become complacent, backpacking on all the time we have to do everything we want to. I want to enjoy everyone I'm blessed to have in my life, and I want to savor every moment that makes me laugh until my stomach hurts. I want to appreciate the time I spend with my grandparents that remain, because I know tomorrow isn't promised to us, and if it were how many days would I keep putting off to speak to them?

Where's the fun in forever? Would you try as hard if you knew forever actually existed? Would you have this urgency to succeed, if you knew that your days were promised to you? Continue to question everything, have faith that everything you're doing will make sense in the end, because it has meaning to you. Appreciate the people you hold dear. Don't wait until its too late to show them how much they mean to you. If you love someone without condition, live up to what that means. Don't turn your back on them when times get tough, because thats when they need you the most. It's easy to run, its harder to put the work in to make things last past the infatuation of each other. I'm on a journey this year, of self exploration, and of love. To find the true meaning of what it means to love yourself, and to be among the world. To find my purpose on this earth, and to put use to it. To be able to use what I've learned to help those around me, and to fall in love with every decision I make whether bad or good, because that is what inspires my growth. I'm on a mission to find meaning of every single day I breathe, and to continue to seek God's wisdom, as strength for my journey. I started this entry planning to empty the pages with doubt on forever, but as the words flowed it took me a different route. I was inspired to write today, I can't tell you the last time I was, and for that I am thankful. I am excited for all thats to come. As always I have lots & lots of love for anyone still out there that continues to see the world from my eyes. Until next time guys! <333


-- A