Passionate

                                       

In the beginning, things were easy. We had an attraction that was unyielding. We constantly challenged ourselves, and had too much fun doing it. I had been searching for the person who'd be able to stimulate my mental, with a force that I had only been used to physically. The first time we really talked, it was for hours. I hadn't remembered a time I had done that with the opposite sex, without being totally annoyed that they were still talking. He had this bubbly personality that seemed to compliment mine, and even though in the beginning he had been a little judgmental, he was always willing to learn to be open minded. I couldn't blame him for his upbringing, and he never blamed me for mine. We came from two totally different worlds, with two unique views on the world. Together we had tried to piece it together, and find a common ground that we could immerse ourselves in. It took some time but eventually, naturally, we found it. We had become one, while still trying our best to remain singular. It wasn't anything we could do, but accept the new roles that had developed without us realizing. He had suddenly become apart of my day to day routine. The person who's name I looked for on the screen of my phone, when my eyes opened to start a new day. 

I was used to remaining distant from everyone that tried to push their way into the side I never showed. The vulnerable side, yet he never wavered, nor did he allow my many attempts to push him away, succeed. He had been nothing short of beautiful, and amazing, to someone who had only been used to ugly ducklings. I couldn't understand his willingness to stick it out, even after I told him of my gritty, and unappealing past. I never told him, but I was almost always counting down the days for his departure. It was what I was used to, and even though he still hasn't left, I just was almost always sure he would. In him, I found the best friend I always wanted in a partner. Our connection was out of this world, and as I talked about him to my friends and family, I found myself filled with happiness, and excitement. My cheeks flushed, my skin turned hot, I was in fact in a state of love, and it felt so unique, and so very different from all the other relationships I had been in. To be so in love with the person they were, outside of what they looked liked. To be respected for my mind, and not for my body. To be treated as an equal and not as someone beneath him, because of my tainted past. To fall so deep in love, that the the change in myself that I always craved finally came naturally. The world has knocked us down quite a few times, and the love, and safe haven we built for each other has been shattered a bit. We are trying our best to repair the damage created, but we've changed. Our views on each other has been altered a bit. The vulnerable side I always feared showing, is completely out. I doubt everything, when in the beginning I never did. I question him, because for the first time in my whole entire life, I am completely in a state where one wrong choice made by him, could shake my whole world upside down. It's such a beautiful and scary place to be in. To have given so much of yourself to a person, and to have your heart in your hand, ready to give it to them for their belonging. I've never been here before, even in previous relationships. I was never willing to risk the possibility of being vunerable, so I always held the control. The control in this relationship doesn't lie on one side more than the other. We both have the equal ability to hurt each other, and in our own ways, we have already. 

I don't regret the stage that we're in, I just know that it's tainted. The love we built, has been attacked, and like any battle, we're both left with wounds.The trust we've built has been tarnished, and we're left trying our best to rebuild. I love everything he represents, but I miss the passion we had in the very beginning. I'm not sure how to communicate the lack of it, and I'm not sure if he even realizes that we lost it somewhere down the line. We're lost in translation, and maybe its my fault for not communicating it sooner, hoping it would just repair itself.  I'm confused and unsure of what to do next. I've never cared enough to want to find the answers to fix it. The kisses that would light my insides on fire, are far and few between. I don't know if its a defense mechanism, or if the attraction, and want we had for each other has dwindled. I miss the looks we both gave each other, allowing us to both know the desire we held inside for each other. I crave the fun we had, and the hours we spent talking about any and everything. I just miss who we used to be, before who we've become set in. I wonder everyday if we're kidding ourselves thinking our love is strong enough to get past these road blocks we've created. I'm more reserved now when we're together, careful not to say e wrong thing, or voice the wrong emotion. I literally walk on egg shells, because I just want things to go back to the way they used to be. On the positive side, our friendship is the best its ever been. We're making each other better by inspiring each other to better our individual selves. I'm on a clean eating path, and drinking detox, and not that its all his doing, but I'd be lying if I said he didn't have something to do with it.  So here's the thing, as I grow to become a better me for me, and as he does the same for himself, I can only pray that we'll find our way back to each other. That we'll both realize meeting, and connecting with each other wasn't a mistake. That it in fact was the greatest thing we could have ever done, because it is through the million and one mistakes, laughs, and battles, that we found ourselves.  I'll continue writing my love story with myself, hoping our love story doesn't come to an end.

With love, 

--A