Not As COOL, As I Thought I Was

         

           I have a good amount of friends, both male, and female, that I’d bet my last dollar would tell you I’m a good time.  Good time meaning, if you want to turn up on a tuesday, at 12am, chances are, I’m the girl you’d call. Good time meaning, yeah we can go to an art museum, and then randomly end up at an after hours strip club, or you like that girl? Sure I’ll get her number for you. I’m the girl, or so I thought I was, that was beyond cool. Cool meaning, a lot of shit doesn’t bother me. A lot of things that the average female restricts herself from, because it goes against what society tells her, her life should look like or how her relationship should look, I’ve never cared. Yes, I like to party with my partner, and drink an obscene amount of alcohol (I’ve actually stopped drinking an obscene amount), I go hard in everything I do, my relationships are no different. I will go above and beyond if I fuck with you, on a friend scale, or intimate one. 

      As of recent I’ve just come to terms with the fact that I’m not as cool as I always thought I was. The male mentality that I possessed, is so far gone. I’ve become the annoying girlfriend, I always swore up and down I’d never be.  The no, of course that doesn’t bother me’ ‘I’m into threesomes’ ‘Yeah, we can turn up together’ ‘yeah you can dance with her, that’s fine’ always down for whatever’ cool Ari, gets so lost in translation. Things do bother me, when it comes to my relationship. The little things, that my male friends tell me, their girlfriends bitch about, my response of, she’ll get over it, or really? Thats not even that big of a deal, have all gone out the window. Now I find myself, siding with the female, or asking what they did, did they even consider her feelings?  

      

        Sure, most things don’t bother me, and I still am very much into threesomes (they’re not for everyone, so proceed with caution) but the smallest of things, that really don’t matter in the grand scheme of things, still have the ability to fester under my skin, like a heat rash. I don’t know if I’ve always been this way, and no one ever truly had the ability to bring this side out of me, or if I’m just letting insecurities get the best of me. Funny thing is, I’m not insecure in the way people would think.  I’m one of a kind, and regardless if I’m not as cool as I used to be, I’m still a lot cooler than the average. I don’t feel another female can take my man, and if she can/does, I’d appreciate her, for showing me who he was. 

       My insecurities don’t stem from other females, it stems from life itself, and coming to terms with the reality that everyone still has their own life to live. I still have to go out, and work, go to school, be a sister, be a daughter, be a friend, be a writer (even an inconsistent one)and then lastly a girlfriend. We all do. It’s the way life works, and sometimes I forget this, even as obvious and apparent as it is. I’ve become the girl that has become so consumed with trying to fill my free time with my partner. That when they’re not trying to do the same, it’s a problem. It’s not realistic,and so not cool. Every relationship deserves it’s right to space. Every human being no matter how many titles they have, must always remember alone time.  Always remember to give time to yourself, because after all you are, and should always be the person you love before anyone else. We must always remember not to get so consumed in other people, so much, that their absence changes the very core of who you are. 

 I crave a relationship, that feels a lot like home. No matter how many hours, weeks, months, or what have you that you spend away from it, home will always be home. You won’t have to worry about it being there, because it will, with open arms, happy to have you back. I want that. I want to go out in the world, make shit happen, and come back to my home, with the news of how everything went. My own safe place. It’s the only way, any of us will be able to hold on to our inner cool. I’m not one for searching for love, but never settle for anyone that doesn’t feel like home.  

I’m learning a lot about myself, on every scale. Sure, I’ve let little things, get to me, but I’m human, and life is all about growth. I’m trying to always be an ever growing, and ever changing person. Caring about things now, means I’ve grown from a young girl who didn’t care about anything, to a young woman, who’s still figuring out how to harvest healthy ways to show those you care. So maybe I’m not the cool young girl I was before, but after writing this, I’m falling in love with the woman I’m becoming. Everyday is a new lesson, and as long as we all try our best to be better than we were the day before, then we’re on the right track.  Growth is the new cool, so hey, I’m not too worried about not being as cool, as I once thought I was ;)

Lots of Love,

--A