Embrace the journey.
The background is quiet, an unfamiliar silence, which is both comforting & awkward. I can't remember the last time, I kneeled down to pray, yet as my body gets into position, I'm suddenly reminded of the tranquility behind it. "God, I'm here again, asking for guidance. I'm seeking you, I want to know you even more than I do know. I can't get through this loss without you. Please send me a sign, please let me know you still hear me."
I have spent so much of my life, living in the moment. Appreciating every experience I've been through, but not truly acknowledging the meaning behind it all. Lacking the true purpose of my existence. As this year continues to play out, I made a devote promise to myself. I would spend this year immersing myself in any & everything that makes my heart skip a beat. In any and everything that would leave me feeling whole, and fulfilled. Apart of that included becoming a better me, as a person, and as a God-fearing woman. I have made countless mistakes, that have deterred my life a lot more than I would like to admit, and have left me standing alone yet again. Life is way more than the moments, its way more than the 'I love you's' 'I miss you's' and the 'I'm sorrys'. While those all have signiface to them, life is much more than that. Its about actually showing it; putting action to those words.
As I knelt down before God, an action I hadn't done in years, I was reminded that the relationship wth God was the only one I truly needed to be concerned with. The past four years have been filled with so many tests, and it is only through him them that I was able to be at this point. I'm not holier than thou, because I still, everyday make so many stupid mistakes, but I can feel, and also notice the slight changes within myself. I have spent the past few weeks in a weird space. A relationship limbo, and then when that relationship came to a final end a couple of days ago, I found myself extremely sad. Letting go of anyone in your life is hard, especially when they've been such an important factor. In the past, I'd look to alcohol, sex, companionship, partying, anything to feel the void and sadness I was feeling, but this time I don't have that desire. I don't desire to be out, to fill my time with anyone who will take my mind off of him, or anybody to feel, just to stop the tears from falling. I don't even want to be out. If its not work, or something making me better, I just don't want to be bothered. I just want to write until I can't anymore, listen to songs that make me cry even more, and engulf myself in shameless episodes (if you don't already watch, I strongly suggest you do.) I've been praying a lot more, and writing in a journal again. I guess every negative has its positive.
Appreciate the moments of sadness. Find a lesson in your wrongs, and embrace your ability to be human and fuck shit up. Realize that its okay, not to be okay, and that even if things don't seem like they'll get better, they evemtually will; they always do. Every ending means that a new beginning is on its way. I've been trying not to feel bad about myself, and writing is helping me to grieve in a positive outlet. I write the most when I'm going through things. It's going to be ok, because it can always be worse. I'm alive, still have the ability to put words to paper, and the knees to kneel down and pray. Even though my love life is back to being in shambles, the love I have for myself and God isn't. Thats ok for me right now. If anyone out there is feeling lost, seek God. Kneel down, and talk to him, write to him if you're not comfortable talking outloud. Cry, scream, do whatever you have to, to feel better. It won't happen in a day, but eventually I pray, I'll be good again. Believe that everything happens for a reason, and the very place you're in, is exactly where you should be. Life is a learning process, and as long a you work on being a better you, than you were the day before, everything else will fall into place.
Trying to get my ish together always,
--A
I have spent so much of my life, living in the moment. Appreciating every experience I've been through, but not truly acknowledging the meaning behind it all. Lacking the true purpose of my existence. As this year continues to play out, I made a devote promise to myself. I would spend this year immersing myself in any & everything that makes my heart skip a beat. In any and everything that would leave me feeling whole, and fulfilled. Apart of that included becoming a better me, as a person, and as a God-fearing woman. I have made countless mistakes, that have deterred my life a lot more than I would like to admit, and have left me standing alone yet again. Life is way more than the moments, its way more than the 'I love you's' 'I miss you's' and the 'I'm sorrys'. While those all have signiface to them, life is much more than that. Its about actually showing it; putting action to those words.
As I knelt down before God, an action I hadn't done in years, I was reminded that the relationship wth God was the only one I truly needed to be concerned with. The past four years have been filled with so many tests, and it is only through him them that I was able to be at this point. I'm not holier than thou, because I still, everyday make so many stupid mistakes, but I can feel, and also notice the slight changes within myself. I have spent the past few weeks in a weird space. A relationship limbo, and then when that relationship came to a final end a couple of days ago, I found myself extremely sad. Letting go of anyone in your life is hard, especially when they've been such an important factor. In the past, I'd look to alcohol, sex, companionship, partying, anything to feel the void and sadness I was feeling, but this time I don't have that desire. I don't desire to be out, to fill my time with anyone who will take my mind off of him, or anybody to feel, just to stop the tears from falling. I don't even want to be out. If its not work, or something making me better, I just don't want to be bothered. I just want to write until I can't anymore, listen to songs that make me cry even more, and engulf myself in shameless episodes (if you don't already watch, I strongly suggest you do.) I've been praying a lot more, and writing in a journal again. I guess every negative has its positive.
Appreciate the moments of sadness. Find a lesson in your wrongs, and embrace your ability to be human and fuck shit up. Realize that its okay, not to be okay, and that even if things don't seem like they'll get better, they evemtually will; they always do. Every ending means that a new beginning is on its way. I've been trying not to feel bad about myself, and writing is helping me to grieve in a positive outlet. I write the most when I'm going through things. It's going to be ok, because it can always be worse. I'm alive, still have the ability to put words to paper, and the knees to kneel down and pray. Even though my love life is back to being in shambles, the love I have for myself and God isn't. Thats ok for me right now. If anyone out there is feeling lost, seek God. Kneel down, and talk to him, write to him if you're not comfortable talking outloud. Cry, scream, do whatever you have to, to feel better. It won't happen in a day, but eventually I pray, I'll be good again. Believe that everything happens for a reason, and the very place you're in, is exactly where you should be. Life is a learning process, and as long a you work on being a better you, than you were the day before, everything else will fall into place.
Trying to get my ish together always,
--A
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